In between the minutes

Those that have accumulated over

Half a decade

I can find acceptance for the paths I have taken. ​

 

​So, 2026....

Where do I begin?​​

​

ACT: 1

 

I started this year with burn scars across half of my body and being unemployed, but I am ending the year doing a job I do not hate most days. There have been numerous changes this year. I moved houses twice and have now rearranged myself into a two-bedroom shotgun house with one of my closest mates.

 

After years of deliberation, I finally got my hands on my first professional camera, and it has forced me to be more intentional with the pictures I take. Oddly, though, I seem to enjoy editing pictures more than taking them. I have been dealing with more nightmares this year than in previous ones, and I do not know if that will change moving forward.

​

I have always, for the most part, lived very selfishly, and it is no different with my writings. Even this I am mostly doing for myself. And in that selfishness, I have let go more times than I have been let go. I have both found and lost myself in both.

 

“My selfishness is what got me here, who the fuck I'm kiddin'?”

​

This year, I have tried to embrace changes more; still, not sure how successful I have been. I have not done the math yet.

 

I am still looking for a place in life where I would want to stay

And I hope they have magnolias there

And I hope, and I hope

 

Retrospectively, if I had been bogged down with hindsight, I would have taken every left turn where I took the right, tangentially. Then, I would have become a different person, looking back on a different set of roads taken and not taken, a different lexicon of words said and unsaid.

​

For the first time in my life, I began the year in a different place than I ended it. This year has not felt all that different, but in some ways, everything has been different. In retrospect, this might become one of those formative years for me; it could also just be a blip in the existential scheme of it all. But the whole point of writing these down is not to be retrospective of the past, is to come to peace with whatever I had said and the decisions I made.

​

This half-decade, there have been loft parties, bottles of Bombay Sapphires, countless bottles of Asahi, and joints that burned up too soon. There have been conversations, contemplations, and periods of purple haze in between. This year, there have been minor losses and major wins, there have been death, broken friendships and mended fences. Whatever has happened and whatever is to come, I deserve it all.

​

“Pray for those who prayed against me//I just want what I deserve”

​

My bipolar temperament mixed with abandonment issues has created a hell of my own making. It has made relationships murky, made me crash out when the demons got the better of me, and made second-guess every instinct.

​

“If that's your family, then handle it as such Don't let the socials gas you up or let emotions be your crutch Pick up the phone and bust it up before the history is lost Hand-to-handshake is good when you have a heart-to-heart”

​​​​

For the next half-decade, I want more good karma for living my life with integrity. I am asking for more faith in myself and the people around me. I am asking for refuge from my demons.

​

“I've slayed these demons, they're old to me//They won't get the best of me”

​​

In the upcoming half, I want to continue wearing my heart on complete display without letting my emotions become my crutch. I want to stop feeling this inherent need for people to see my scars, to see me for the person that I am (or have become). To figure out a way out of this loneliness that has surrounded me my whole life, to f ind redemption in the paths I have taken in life.

 

I am asking the Higher Power to make me more worthy and deserving of bigger margins, more freedom, to become a better writer. To not get corrupted by outside influences, to brave the changes that are sure to come. To rise above whatever small corner society has allocated me.

​

“Fuck integrity, fuck your pedigree, fuck your feelin’s, fuck your culture not your equal Not the title y'all want me under”

​

I am asking for more blessings for the people in my inner circle. I have people in my life whom I constantly pray will outlive me. I am praying for them to find acceptance, too, in the paths they have taken, and find the inner strength to let go of the sins of their fathers and forefathers. That they stop overcompensating for their traumas, and find true love that is unconditional.

​

“For my clique who gon' go to Hell and back for me, I'ma give 'em Heaven on Earth”

​

I know what I have, and I am ready to sacrifice anything to keep it.

To swim through the murky waters of self-doubt and shame.

​

“My loss is worth more than your wins // I'm satisfied if it starts over again”

​​​

​

ACT: 2

​

in case you missed it

I am still grieving

in case you missed it

I have come a little closer to being okay with

whatever life has made of me

in case you missed it

I know through the pictures I take

and through the pictures my brother took

that he is still alive

in all these faces on the sidewalk,

he cannot see.

In case you missed it

I am haunted by my past all the same

in case you missed it I have built myself back up, and again

Only to break apart halfway through

in case you missed it

Dhaka is always on my mind

and Sydney still feels foreign

and home is a place in between

a place that cannot be

and-​

ACT: 3

​

Parts of me have died, and parts of me have formed in Sydney. This city has made me more hedonistic than I have ever been, but also more spiritual than I have ever been. I have given in to every vice this city has to offer, and I have been on my knees more times than ever in this city begging to be made into a wholly new person. Under parallel suns, I am never thinking of the people I love the most//I am constantly thinking of the people I love the most. Every curb I pass, and every interaction I have daily, has a part of me left behind; it is entirely my fault for being afraid of heights, being afraid of being left behind, afraid of wearing the pulpy beating thing so close to my veins that everyone can see.

 

But this is not me looking back on things, this is not me looking forward to what is next, this is not me trying to go back to find the pieces of myself that I have left behind, this is not me trying to piece together the person I have become, this is not about the nagging voice in my head saying I have changed for the worse or better or worse or better,

 

this is about-

​

Me always choosing vices over salvation. God. Always giving in to impulses and my ego. This self-destructive path I am on will leave me alone, burnt out, maybe even broke. I keep wondering if my downfall is already prophesied? What if my soul is not meant to be saved, but rather meant to be made an example out of?

 

My personal ethics will protect me against my fleeting faith, right God?

 

Is salvation from my demons an unattainable dream for me? My prayers are of desperation. I keep praying to be saved or be killed. I am stuck in a cycle of self-harm and vanity. God, will I ever rise above, or am I meant to be burned for eternity? My psyche and mind are distorted; everybody is a victim to me, I am a sinner, but I am still well-devoted.

​

Am I weak or wicked,

Am I weak or wicked,

Am I weak or wicked,

Am I weak -

For not having faith

In my creator​​-​